Has it been hard? Yes, absolutely, but if it’s been easy, I would have left a long time ago. Not knowing what would happen is scary, but I have also learned to embrace the fear, and use that to propel myself towards a better life.
Has it been ridiculous? Yes, absolutely. Looking back, I don’t know why I stayed for so long, but I know now what I didn’t know then. That sometimes, the goodness in us can be used by others to benefit them, even when they saw how it wasn’t benefiting them. If they really loved us, they would’ve changed their behavior when they saw how hurtful they were being to us, but they did not, so that’s another part of the experience that I am grappling with.
That perhaps it was love, til it wasn’t. That I believe in the goodness in them, and that was not a bad thing, but how unfortunate it was that they chose to not act in kindness, towards themselves and towards me. I know I cannot fix others, so I am working on fixing myself. That is all we can do really; to continue working on ourselves to be better people, and to strive to live our lives in ways that brings joy and love not just to others, but most importantly, to ourselves.
That is one thing I had realized, that putting my own wellness ahead of others is not a bad thing. An empty cup cannot continue to pour. Being able to be well allows me to do well, so it only makes sense that I continue to work on healing and getting better.
I only wish I learned this sooner.
Oh well, such is life. We learn and we try to be better.
Stay blessed.
Flow Like Air 